By Br. Niko Barth, OFM Cap.
In this personal reflection, Br. Niko Barth shares his experience leading up to and following his ordination to the priesthood. He discusses the mix of emotions—fear, awe, wonder, and gratitude—that come with being called to serve as a priest. Through a story from his past and his honest thoughts on his journey, Br. Niko opens up about the mysterious and humbling nature of this sacred calling.
As the day of my ordination to the priesthood approached (and since that day), many people have asked me how I feel.
“What’s it like?” “Are you nervous?” “You must be excited?” “Did you get cold feet?” (Yes to the last one, but that is just because winter is approaching).
Truth be told, I am feeling a great many things. There’s not one word that seems to capture it all. I know I have entered an ineffable mystery, so I will do my best to gesture towards the mysterious gift I have received for those who may be wondering what it’s like. And I’ll do so by way of a story.
When I was in the Boy Scouts of America, we went camping on the shores of Catalina Island. The night sky was crystal clear and we were far enough from any major city center that the stars shined with a brilliance that most of us rarely see these days. It was spectacular! And as I lay on my sleeping bag, gazing upward, the immensity of the cosmos started to dawn on me:
“I’m sooo small and the universe is sooo big.” “What’s stopping me from just falling off this planet and floating off into space?” “It looks like the universe is just going to swallow us whole.”
These were some of the thoughts that initiated a memorable existential crisis within this 13 year old… Thankfully, it did not last too long. It’s true. The vast expanse of the universe is tremendously daunting. We really are quite insignificant in the grand scheme of things, at least in one sense. But, it is also beautiful, harmonious, and, well, where we were made to be. I won’t say I had a profound knowledge and love of God at this point in my life… but I will say that His creation deeply impressed me and I could not help but be grateful for the gift of just basking in the soft, tender starlight, even if I did not know Whom to thank for this gift. Somehow, existential anxiety and thanksgiving, terror and wonder coexisted quite naturally within me.
If I had to describe how I feel about ordination, that’s about the closest I can get right now.
It’s a fearsome thing to be called by God. The Creator of the Universe, the Source of all that is, the Ancient of Days is calling. And He’s not just calling humanity; He’s calling me to do something with Him. He wants me to share in His Son’s life in some profound way, to be His priest. There’s a reason why angels bearing God’s message have to preface their message, “Do not be afraid.”
All this being true, it’s also a beautiful thing to be called by God. The God Who reveals Himself as Love, the Giver of every good gift, the One Who so loved the world that He sent His only-begotten Son to live and die and rise for us is calling. And He’s not just calling humanity. He’s calling me to share in the Love that He Is. How can one be anything other than grateful for that?
And here’s where the experience of ordination departs from that night on Catalina under the stars. This time, I know exactly Who to thank for this calling, and I intend to spend the rest of my life doing so… as His priest.
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